As much as I was itching to write in the complete Embra gadgie tongue, so resplendent in another good hibbies set o works (hi Irv) but for now I'll keep it simple for the out of towners

Being an ex-pat currently doing one of ma regular work tour of duties in the Big Smoke (London to anybody under 30) you would think that access to the necessary fitba info (i.e. Scottish an mair importantly the good auld Cabbage) is no real problem nowadays with the ever expanding electronic information services.  Unfortunately this flies in the face of my habits when 'ahm huvin ma piece at dinner time' namely that I idly flick through one of they old fashioned things called a newspaper (well they're made of paper, as for the 'news' that's debatable). Now for all yous who've had the pleasure of working in our very own 'Big Brothers' house that is known as Ingerland you suddenly realise how marginalized the rest of the supposed 'United Kingdom' is to them, particularly the further south you go, in all aspects no just sport. 

There is only so much one man from the Capital can take over reading the guff about how the premiership is the greatest league in the history of the world ever, how wonderful Rooney, Lampard, Gerrard, et al, are an will always be and how Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal, Reading are just joshing around with the rest of the continental teams when it comes to European comeptitions. Basically its like having Clive Bilgeley & John Twotson talking to you everyday (aieeeeee). So it is with great trepidation and a heavy heart that leads me everyday to buying the Daily Retard, weegievilles finest condescending, patronising inaccurate rag.  So I thought I'd pick out the best of the worst, or is the worst of the best, crap I read in between mouthfuls of cheese, bread an laughter.

Monday  - the 12th of July (sorry but that date still makes me angry)

It's a rare event but we actually get nearly a full page match report, mind Arthurlie wurnae playing at the weekend though. In the report itself I thought we were dealt a fair hand, to ma regret I never made it t o Lithuania due to financials, which was a shame as I'd visited there when Scotland played an all I can say to yous is just go there, what a craic. As for Murdos intoxicated emotional outburst on the opposite page about "it's a Toto disaster for Mogga & Scotland" calm doon son. He's obviously got a touch of the English about him if he thinks its an embarassment to Scotland, our national team and club sides have been getting steadliy pish for the last 20 years. Whereas the developing nations in Europe, and elsewhere, have been either improving in the other direction or at least getting to some kinda level an sticking there. He said Vilnius urnae really one of the better teams in Lithuania, well Murdo where do you reckon Hibs are regarded in Scotland?  Over the top comments such as "Now he's saddled with the aftermath of a defeat that makes a nonsense of the game in Scotland" Did Murdo no play fur Hibs, defeat has been a common acquaintance for too long but its one that's unfortunately visits us regular it seems and as for a sentence with the words 'nonsense', 'game' & 'in Scotland' its hardly an eye opener.  I think Hibs, an as many teams as possible should enter this compo,  as we've got to realise that we are now on a par with nations in the Baltic an such like, get off our high horse an endorse these vital opportunities for our players, fans an the club itself to have some other experiences (especially Euro) apart from getting beat by the Rantic all season an then fighting to finish 3rd or at least keep out of the bottom six (who's idea was that? Can we please stop it now though?)

Scotland & Ireland to share the Euro finals, sounds fantastic what a great idea to bring together two smaller nations that could do with the mutual support, hey wait now the SFA (Some Fuckin Arseholes) have said nah coz its all about money. Oh shit that's right it's the modern game isn't it, all about the spondoolies feck enjoyment an participation for fans an players which the game should be about

The Hun Eckmeister finally realises that fitba players are apparently some kinda sportsmen/athelete types an that he's a manager who has a business to run, Isn't this how all professional teams should be run regardless of how big they are? So you'd have thought that an established team such as the Glasgow English Rangers would have worked this out just by looking at what all major Euro compo achievers have accomplished.

The scumbos were on page 40 but who cares what one of their underachievers is saying (Stephen Simmons), unless its "I'd like to commit maself tae the hertz for life"

How binned does the Scottish Open winner Thomas Levet look though on page 46, he must have been on some kinda local produce, unless he just caught a glimpse of Kevin Nicols potential match saving effort in Vilnius!!!

Tuesday - 13th July

The Retard slides into familiar territory as 4 pages are dedicated to the Rantic, an as the Retard loves to point out occasionally there's always going to be more coverage for the most supported Scottish teams.  That's fine but by exact definition doesn't that mean it should be Hearts & Aberdeen?

We get our usual mentions, when a player (or ex player) is leaving/on loan/wanted by another club though it does talk about Dean Gordons being on trial at Hibs (he will be if he treats us as his retirement club), but they inaccurately describe him as a Cystal Palace player. This statement reinforced to an already small minded bunch of Palace fans that "you lot don't know what yer on abaht, 'e's not been at Palace for years"

Good to see another report about a Gorgie boy underachiever (Dennis Wyness), gaun son same again this year

Wednesday - 14th July

The pleasure of being cheerful round here about Maradona's boy going to play in the Kingdom of Fife really winds them anglo-saxons right up. It reminds them of yet another time their team of bottle merchants were 'cheated' an put out again from a tournie. According to them its just another 'typical shabby nazi trick' as the Germans continuously assure their old enemy are paid back for their defeat in the world cup in the 60's, schadenfraude mein kameraden

I can only ever get the west edition of the Wednesday Sportsweek so it was the usual Rantic fan who plays for another club in he "myfavthings " section an no mention of Leiths best except in the 'Fanzine' page were some hertz fannie starts tae slag us of for losing in Litho. He then obviously realises whilst he was using his Crayolas to write this incisive an witty commentary that rippin the pish out yer city rivals can have a habit o coming back an biting you on the jeer.

Thursday - 15th July

The Retard does one of the things its great at an that's stirring up all kinds of nonsense in fans brains by reminding us all again of the great animosity between the Huns an A/deen fans, players an programme sellers over the last 20 years.  A newspaper (sic) that continually takes the moral high ground an condemning football violence or indeed any form of fan behaviour in its 'news' sections at the start takes a leaf out of the 'hoolie bible', the Sun, an cranks up the pressure in the sports pages. It was agreed by the authorities in the 80's that any type of media reporting of hooliganism or misbehaviour, off the ptich anyway, exacerbates the issue and was to be avoided at all times. This meant that the TV were only allowed to show police approved edits of trouble an that newspapers were to 'report down' any incidents.  Ok we're in a completely different era of fitba in Scotland were the hooligan element has been subdued yet again but as we are all aware it has appeared an resurfaced since the inception of the game in various forms so havent they heard of preventative measures, learning from past mistakes, etc.  I know its close season but an article on how a player for a high profile club gets some abuse (is it no banter when weegies dae it though?)  from fans of another club whilst on a no doubt booze enhanced rail journey.  It couldn't have been that bad or Rae could've just got up an left the carriage. I mean the guys a mature professional with a family so surely he knows when to exit stage left but nah he says that he "had to keep calm, as there was children around". Watch out A/deen Ultras if there's nae bairns aboot then Alex will be steamin right in it seems, he's easy even if theres 15 of you big bullies goading him over his choice of club.  Responsible editors shouldn't give oxygen to disruptive elements in society, there is nothing wrong with worthwhile reporting of isues an incidents if there is a need, but just fuelling already eager gadgies to get into a paggerin mood only serves sloppy journalism that seeks an creates stories for itself.

Moggas band of merry men get mentioned once, aye you've guessed it its just as another club in the chase to sign a player!

Then we're presented with the gruesome picture of Elvis "am good fur the Hertz but pants fur Scotland" Pressley looking more like an extra from Braveheart (or Shrek II possibly) expressing his desire to win a cup this year with the jambos. C'mon Stephen yous will probably retain the Festival cup again, its got yer name written all over it

Stuart Cosgrove turns in another no bad piece, no his most cutting or thought provoking but he's defo a refreshing unbiased writer for this rag and he's usually close enough to the mark

Friday - 16th July

WOW three separate items on Hibs, ok admittedly two still involve player movement but feckin 3 items, an the Huns dinnae get mentioned til page 71 out of a bumper Friday edition of 80!! According to the weegie doom merchants Caldwells on his way to either Vitesse Arnhem, Aberdeen of Brighton but no staying at ER. We also appear to have two Scandinavians, with no names apparently, as trialists. There's also a big mystery surrounding a Frenchman being under the spotlight this week, I know Real were interested as well but obviously big Patrick Veira knows a offer when he sees one!!!!!

The idea of bringing in Bayern Munich, Fiorentina, Dinamo Kiev an that for the Fesitval cup would finally give it some creedence. So if Elvis's dream is to come true then the Sons of Gorgie better get a date in mind for this years game as it'll be the last time they win it now.

An for the 5th day on the trot I've had to endure another article on a west of Embra player, this time though for a big man he's defo out of shape.  6'4" Mark de Vries says that he doesn't want to say anything too much to Craigie Leveinie in case he gets knocked out like Graeme Hogg did (oh the pleasure of daein that) Now c'mon big man yer scared of that specky twat, though rumour has that Mark only started to get alarmed after seeing a Burberry baseball cap an a pair of La Coste trainers in the gaffers locker!!!!

Right ahm away furra Guiness, until next time keep the faith

The Jockney Green