BraveHib witnesses Scotsport plumb new depths

I SAW IT, but I still don't believe it. Scotsport returned to our screens in a blaze of publicity on Monday night, and foolishly I looked forward to the return of some football on "Cooncil Telly". Instead, we were subjected to a pantomime, starring Jim Delahunt as Widow Twanky, Erchie Macpherson and Britney Spiers as the ugly sisters, a Shetland pony as the pantomime horse and some hopeless bint attempting to masquerade as the poor man's Gaby Logan!

Delahunt, attired like he was heading up the James Broon for a couple of jars, began with a bold bid to forever ensure his place in Scots rhyming slang with a cheesy opening spiel, culminating in him booting a ball from two yards into some empty five-a-side goals (oh, but didn't he slot it away well), then got on with the serious business of cramming as much Old Firm guff into the top of the show, presumably to satisfy the target audience - Celtic and Rangers fans.

It was only when the camera panned round the rest of the studio that the full hurror of what we were about to be subjected to sank in. Delahunt and his guests for the evening were crammed into some grubby cubby hole decorated with headlines and back pages from the Daily Retard, and just to sprinkle a liberal helping of more cheese on proceedings, this was flanked by a "terracing" containing an assortment of random goons who were left standing about in bewilderment like extras from the Thunderdome.

Proving themselves first with yesterday's news, we were treated to a ten minute spiel from some bloke called Henrik Larsson that plays in Spain (HE'S GONE NOW, DEAL WITH IT!), a travel bulletin from Shug Keevins in Moscow where the Huns are attemping to botch their latest Champions League campaign, before they finally got round to the token five-minute round-up of the rest of the SPL action.

The "highlights" from Easter Road amounted to a couple of heavily edited minutes of Murdock being given the runaround by nippy Killie forwards, together with some piss-poor finishing from our backwards forwards. I can only shudder to think what they left on the cutting room floor! They didn't even have the grace to explain to us what was going on - in the absence of any commentary that was left for us to figure our while Spiers and Andy Walker droned on about some trivial matter in the background.

All this pish was interspersed with contributions from the brother of a Big Brother winner (maybe we'll be treated to an appearance from Nadia's former barber next week), and someone calling herself "Sarah O", who womanfully did her best to chip in with a crazier accent than her colleague.

Having cringed my way through the first 45 minutes, Roddie Mackenzie taking part in a keepy-uppy competition on some barren wasteground proved the final straw and I eventually waved the white flag and decided that some shuteye was a better option than having the remainder of my brain numbed by the final quarter-of-an-hour, although I am reliably informed that I missed Spiers tinkling the ivories in a grand finale on the pianae.

What football supporters south of the Border would make of this mince south of the Border one can only guess. It would only confirm that Scotland has lost all its pride as a football nation and is hell-bent on remaining joke figures for the rest of the world to poke fun at. Somehow I don't expect that the English would put up with Des, Lineker or Hansen acting like clowns at the expense of what we all want to see - football, with a bit of professional analysis thrown in. We had Tam Cowan's Offside programme for people who wanted to make a tit of themselves - for Scotsport to lower the tone still further is an incredible feat in bad taste - poor old Montford will be turning in his checkered jaikit.

So I won't be tuning in again. If I want to see a Festival act I'll go and
see the Ladyboys at Tynecastle instead!