"Well! So much for the Inter-Tortolano Cup then," I says tae this felly in the pub there.

"Inter-Toto," replies the smart-erse.

"A cup named efter a dug," I yapped in irritation. "Ye must be barking up the wrang tree there. Whae are we playin then – the Wizard eh bloody Oz??"

"FC Petra," he says.

"That another bloody dug!" I yelped in disbelief. "Used tae lie aboot the Blue Peter studio while that other silly c*** wis jumpin oot eh aeroplanes wi Shep!"

"Naw, FC Vetra ya deef auld goat. Nae ‘P’ in it."

"There’ll be plenty pee in it, mark ma words," I telt him sharpish. "In fact it’ll be pish fae stert tae finish."

Well, I hare bein proved right as ye ken, but wis I Wright or wis I Wright?? (Paul or Keith, disnae matter.) And it p*shed doon buckets as well. Whataloadyp*sh and nae mistake!

Now – let’s see if youse bright sparks can spot the common denominator in the followin list. A sh*tey ex-Dundee defender. A Sh*tey ex-Hun defender. A sh*tey ex-Sheepshagger defender. A sh*tey ex-Tic defender. Aye – that’s right – they’ve aw ended up as managers eh Hibs in recent memory! And never forget the odd man oot, the classy cultured genius loved by the fans whae wis never given a chance here bein shown the door. Great player in his day an naw. Performed at the highest level in Europe.* Aye it’s a bloody disgrace, come back Jocky Scott, aw is forgiven!

[* Dundee V Racing White, Inter-Cities-Inter-Toto-Inter-Euro-Fairs-Cup-Winners-Cup, 1972]

So, whit are ma hopes fur the new season ye’re askin. Well, an Al-Qaeda strike on Petrie’s moustache wid dae fur a stert. A run in the cup. (Runnin in the opposite direction eh the bloody baw as per usual.) A derby win. (But only if Brebner sticks a big enough wad on the winnin hoarse.) New players? A packet eh twenty cancer-sticks’ll dae me fur now. That’s ma star-sign by the way. Cancer. Bloody typical. Christ knows why, fur I wus born afore astrology wis even invented. ("It’s because ye’re a crabbit auld erse – MH editorial committee.)

Away and throw sh*te ower yirsels, and I’ll see ye next time aroond. (And it will be yer roond, I bought the last yin.)

* After being carbon-dated by top scientists hired by Mass Hibsteria, it has been proved that Gibby was in fact born before even astronomy was invented, i.e., before the big bang itself. Nae wonder the silly auld bugger has been stuck in a black hole ever since.