SADDAM HUSSEIN (DUNDEE)

Big Saddo’s bonkers lawyer and former dens park benefactor Stefano Di Stefannymerchant claimed that the Davie Duff doppelganger dictator enjoyed nothing more than keeping up with events on Tayside, when he wasn’t too busy gassing Kurds or hiding from the Yanks in his spider hole. Jute, Jam, Genocide and W.M.D. (Weapons of Mental Dundonians – cow pies filled with lethal shrapnel consisting of Jim Duffy’s false teeth).

OSAMA BIN LADEN (DUNDEE UNITED)

The Saudi sod claims to be fighting for the arabs’ cause, in a war against the west (possibly in reference to Weedjie infidels and satanic erses from Darkhead and fort Ibrox). "If you thought us Al-Qaeda cats were hate-filled extremists wait till you meet the Bridgeton Billy boys", big Ossie told a packed audience at the Sunday Post Taleban Appreciation Society annual piss-up in Broughty Ferry.

MARADONA (DUNFERMLINE ATHLETIC)

Maradona, Marijuana…. The bloated drug-hoovering fiend’s laddie is supposedly set to turn out for the Pars, which could result in the hand of God shovelling vast quantities of white powder up his solitary nostril in the Norrie McCathie stand of an afternoon. Plans to build an extension to the stadium to accommodate the waddling prima-donna’s vast bulk are already under way – but lets face it, any amount of dosh is rightfully due to a man who shoved it up our southern neighbours so spectacularly back in ’86.

IDI AMIN (SCOTLAND)

The lovable late dictator of Uganda with a penchant for feeding opposition politicians to crocodiles was a great admirer of all things tartan, and once obligingly offered to assume his rightful role as king of Scotland. Although turned down by spoilsports at the time, Idi ra Heidie would have made an excellent manager of the national side, instilling rigid discipline by a policy of mass executions for under achievers, which would be a vast improvement on that German joob-joob’s dithering, (one only has to look at Saddam’s laddie Uday’s stewardship of the Iraqi national side where horrible torture and mass thrashing of soles of feet instilled an admirable sense of team spirit after a gubbing by Qatar).

GEORGE BEST (INVERNESS CALEDONIAN THISTLE)

"I really love Caley", slurred Dode as he slid off a bar stool in the Caley Sample Room, "especially the Eighty Shilling, Thistle do for me, Hic!"

IDI AMIN (HEARTS)

"I really love Hearts," slavered Idi enthusiastically, as he sat down to a sumptuous human banquet. "But also kidneys, livers and brains of my enemies, washed down with a nice Chianti."

BILL ODDIE (ABERDEEN)

"I really love the Don’s chorus" chirruped the beardie binocular-boosting birdwatcher (possibly misunderstood). However, frolicking about with a giant inflatable sheep in a ‘70s episode of "The Goodies" probably proves his allegiance to mutton-molesting in all its myriad forms.

IDI ADMIN (HIBS)

"Give me cabbage and ribs anytime", said the Caledonia-loving cannibal connoisseur. "Especially the ribs of my former foreign minister, crunchier than a Ferdinand Ricksen tackle – nice!".

NEXT ISSUE:

Slobodan Milosevic on "how I learned to love Cowdenbeath, (it looked liked Sarajevo after I finished with it)". Why George Bush loves Rangers (they’re from ma home state of Texas ain’t they??) and Julian Clary – Queen of The South.